Monday 25 July 2011

Effects of Positive Parenting in child personality development

One sunny afternoon, as I laid by the riverbank, I watched as the sea rose and fell, the tide was enormous, and I couldn’t but sigh at the marvellous work of nature that was beginning to create lots of shades in my mind. The high tide was fearful though, its innocence still shimmered with the sprinkles running back, each time it bamboozled me. Just then two little boys of about four years old ran by, obviously playing together with the beach ball they had. As the tide rose higher, one of the mothers ran after the boys and shouted at her son that it was time for home. Passing by me, the mother scolded the poor lad questioning how he could have been playing with such a dirty lizard. “Why mummy, is he a lizard?” The little boy asked. “Shut up”, the mother shouted the boy down as they walked farther down and their voices vanished more.

I stood and wondered why the mum had referred to the other boy as a dirty lizard, didn’t really look dirty to me and obviously not a lizard. I felt a pinch, knowing she has just sent a negative signal to her son about playing with little kids like him and most critical the fact that such comments may begin to shape his personality and affect his emotional development in terms of relationship with other people, and attitudes, as he grows older, if she constantly does that. Being at the scene of the incident, I knew clearly that the mum used such words due to her personal perception of the other little boy, rating perhaps in terms of appearance, colour, class, or beauty but definitely not because the poor boy was evidently dirty.

It is easier to mould the mind of a child towards a particular manner than it is for adults. When a child begins to grow, he learns through everything he founds around him with greater influence on the habits and manners he picks from parents or guardians and such manners are displayed beyond the household. There is no doubt that parents are responsible for eighty per cent of what makes up the personality of a child and therefore it is expected that high quality upbringing should be ensured.



Children need to have a developing awareness of their needs as well as the views and feelings of others. They need to develop with a sense of respect for their cultures, beliefs and those of others as well as knowledge of agreed values and codes of conduct wherever they find themselves.

Children need to be taught, that in a classroom setting for example, they need to be able to work and play as part of a group, tolerating other people as well as sharing chores and toys harmoniously. However, this essential aspect of child’s development cannot be handled by teachers alone; they are part of the core basis of positive parenting.

As adults, we all know that a greater amount of what made us as individuals is the habits, manners, and personality traits we inherited from our childhood and that is why we have to go through rigorous schemes turning it round when we realise they are not the best for us.

When parents sow the seeds of hatred, intolerance, disrespect and all these other negative behavioural vices in their children for their self-comfort, it only does not affect the feelings and make-up of the child as he grows, it also deepens the wound of the society.

Child discipline is definitely of core importance, it simply should be done in a way that the child will begin to reason positively as to why he was meant to go through the process of disciplining with every necessary explanation given as a means to jointly work on the expected behaviour.

For a child to grow up with a huge degree of self-esteem, the child has to be nurtured by parents who themselves have great self-value.
Positive parenting eschews characteristics that promote low self-worth, lack of confidence, and prejudice. Bringing up a child, in a way that will afford him to have a positive mind-set to make good decisions is tough, but crucial. It comes with abundant rewards but most of all, it is dignifying to both child and parent as the child assumes adulthood.

Monday 18 July 2011

Marriage tips to live with after your wedding day

Why choose wedding over marriage?

While some people go into marriage for all it takes, bearing in mind that it needs a lot of hard work, sacrifices and great values to make it work, other people simply welter in the glamour and grandness of the wedding. Marriage is a natural institute set up by the laws of nature, it is definitely wonderful no doubt, but a proper mind set, could be all that is required for a ‘happy married life’.

Over centuries ago, weddings have become as famous as the world we live in and increasingly it rose from ordinary family affairs to huge societal festivities. Because of the uniqueness of the day, it has been termed as a bride’s most glorious day in her lifetime. However beneath the underlining tones and embellishment of the day lies the realities of marriage. There are definitely no formal classes, courses or educational programmes that can teach the tenets and essentials of a successful marriage, what matters is the couple’s concern and consciousness to make the marriage real can never be underestimated. While a lot of people wallow in the fancy and glamour of their wedding day, they have simply forgotten to take notes of the rudiments of a workable married relationship. However true it is that there is no expert that can teach precisely how couples should live together amicably, there are still values every couple who believes in marriage should stick with.   

Purpose for marriage- There should be an ultimate purpose for marriage which generally should be the love that the couple share and hold for each other. As the realities of marriage unfolds, couples will realise that love is not enough to keep the happy times unending and so the essential values do need to get to work if marriages must last. Most of the time, when true lovers unfortunately break their marriage, it usually is because they ignored or failed to apply the essentials of marriage or did not foresee what their actions could cause which inevitably sows in them a pang of guilt.
Respect—Respect is definitely of core importance to couples as this constantly reminds you of what you mean to each other. No one likes to be treated like nobody, because that steals away any individual’s confidence and self-worth, but in a marriage all it takes is a really good talking about it. Sometimes, you make some mistakes without the intention to hurt your partners, but once pointed out, should be fine.  In particular, men like to be respected and to be in control. So, it’s important to let your husband think he is in control. We all know that the woman runs the show, but it’s good when you let the man think he does! It really works well.

Perseverance- The idea that everything is rosy and everyday will be full of great surprises and lovely treats is a fallacy. Some days will be great, a few others will be bad; depending on what you term good or bad. Whenever things are not exactly the way you would have loved it, still persevere, remember that it will always get better if you give it the chance and put in an effort.

Tolerance-For some reasons, some strange behaviour emerges after marriage that you find difficult to put up with. Always have it in mind, that as human beings, we sometimes fail to be consistent. You should have a heart to tolerate your spouse, talk about the need for change, act in a way to promote the desired change and accept it as some of the flaws of the human nature, after all no human being is unfailing.

Compromise-If you always want your life to go as planned or as you want it, you may have to rethink. Certain issues come up in marriage that will give you no better choice than to bend your rules, and most times this sort of rule bending don’t kill. They rather bring peace, progress, love and unity. Be gentle to each other and always resolve an issue between both of you as it happens, never let an argument carry on too long.

Communication- Why will any two people come together as one if they will merely speak to each other like strangers? Communication is a really effective tool at attaining most of life’s successes in all situations. When you speak about your deepest worries, problems, successes and hopes, you will further strengthen the bonds of the marriage that you built together.

Patience- Patience is one of the greatest virtues one can possess. The fact that couples need to exercise patience when dealing with most domestic problems and issues that arise cannot be over emphasized. When you frequently lose your patience over issues that could be resolved amicably in no time, you lose your value and debase your marriage thereby looking for an end to it. Patience is essential; it allows you to make up in real time and shuts out unnecessary anger, aggressiveness and bad temperaments.

Trust- Just as important as your everyday living together is, so also is the level of trust that must exist between the two of you. Where trust fails, there is nothing left. Learn to trust each other, believe in yourselves and always work together as a team.  

Try doing new things-Spice up your marriage by introducing new and adventurous activities that keeps it all fresh .Don’t be mundane. Take great nice walks together, feel the fresh air around you, explore some DIYs together, share and chat about what’s on in the news, have a nice day out, eat together at the table and talk. Always remain attractive and appealing to yourselves and try to do what you two love as a couple often. 

Be loving and forgiving helpful to each other. You need to grow in love emotionally, spiritually, and physically. 

Appreciate- When you give yourselves enough praise, making your spouse feel appreciated for all he/she does, you will spur yourselves into doing something better another time. Nothing should be made a challenge because you are not both running a race. Whatever you do should be for the benefit of both of you and the children if so be the case.

Don’t always believe you are right- Accept your mistakes and love to make amends. Even when you are right, accept some blames for the sake of love, that peace may reign. Know that one person has to give more than the other; don’t always expect a 50-50 situation all the time. It’s not possible and the earlier you accept that, the better for your marriage.

Marriage is a continuous working Centre. It needs to be constantly and gently nurtured. You can't become complacent nor can you accept anything but the best from yourself and from your spouse. It's a business forever-unfinished, requires you to keep working on it, going back to add details, make amends and corrections where necessary time and again. It's a team effort that requires the energies of both parties and if one isn't on board, it will gradually break down.


Monday 4 July 2011

How to turn your past into a productive present




What is past and what is present? We obviously know that our past is gone and the events that formed the past can never be redone. The good, the bad, the beautiful or the ugly; they’ve already occurred; and all over now. What is important whenever we reminisce on our past is to make it as productive and relevant as possible to our present. While you cannot change what has transpired, you can change how you think about what happened.

Usually, when you think about the past and ever allow the positive events to dominate your thoughts, the tendencies are that; you will likely be grateful for those happy moments and probably imagine reliving it which may result in another emotion of self-pity knowing very well you cannot relive the past. In some cases, it helps you think of ways to improve your present so that the happiness continues. On the contrary, if ever your memory of the events you termed as negative needs to be revisited, unless you deal with the emotions associated with those events, you will continue to carry them with you into the present moment. To a large extent, if you failed to resolve issues of the past, the memories of such experiences become responsible for your spiritual and emotional bankruptcy when you become an adult. For instance if as a child, you were greatly abused, molested or had been harshly criticized and failed to deal with it earlier on, you are more likely to become very defensive and insecure in your adult life, which in essence becomes part of you and a way of life.
When you do not let go of tales of unhappiness, resentment, or rejection that filled your past you find it increasingly difficult to merge present activities to your dreams, sometimes the feelings you hold on to from your past experiences even deter you from aspiring as high as possible, having allowed those emotions of fear, revenge, guilt, blame or insecurity, to affect other areas of your life; which may include your relationships with people, attitudes, business and money matters.

Undoubtedly, many of us have events, situations or people in our histories, which still evoke some emotions in us, but there is always time to work on such emotions in order to move beyond it. Maybe you were abused as a child and still believe you can never live beyond the vestiges of that? Or you are finding it hard to forgive yourself for something you did years ago, and the guilt won’t just fade? There is nothing you can’t achieve if you believe and try. The mistakes of yesteryear, either by you or other people, that have deposited a great deal of negative feelings within your body and soul, could be transformed from a severe liability into a valuable asset.

While you could successfully do away with your feelings of anger, revenge, guilt, blame or fear, you simply didn’t because there is a reward from holding onto your pain.
You gain a lot from the thrill of the story. By having the story to tell, you derive some pleasure and get accepted by others. You create a stir and pacify your individual need for attention and the emotional energy associated with the event is refreshed every time you tell your story.

There is no harm in telling stories of your past but not in a way to allow you to whirl in your self-pity, or make others feel sorry for you because this simply puts you down and draw you back into unpleasant meditations. Why not choose to use your past as a resource for progress rather than a pool for pain?  Why not choose to use your past as a sort of benchmark, counting your blessings on how well you have transformed your past into an inspiration for others?  Many people are comfortable making themselves feel bad and do so at any opportunity.  No matter what acknowledgement and attention you receive from sinking yourself into the ludicrous slush of sad tales, it can’t be as gainful as directing all your energies to your present moment, striving with focus for a greater tomorrow.

Tips to help

Make amends where possible – If you need to make an apology for a past event and you really know it is possible for you to do so, then go ahead and free your mind, body and soul. Say sorry to whom you think deserves it. However, if you require an apology, don’t demand it except it is given voluntarily, don’t get stuck to the idea that you deserve an apology and not tendered. You often get disappointed expecting some people to do the right things. It keeps you stuck and away from achieving something greater. Take your mind off it and deem it inessential, because not until you cut that chain, you cannot move forward. The process of making amends continue as you constantly aim to improve on our attitudes, behaviours, and a change in our outlook of the past in ensuring that the grievous harm from the past is totally erased.

Remember the past without strong emotions –Learn not to revisit your past morbidly or needlessly. You should practice letting go of the feelings that bring back the hurt you knew before and always view your past from a perspective that will make it as harmless as possible to you. See your past as a depot of knowledge and information which can help you make connections to elevate your self-esteem, courage and confidence.




Forgive

Need for acceptance- You have to accept the past, appreciate the experiences and acknowledge the lessons you have been able to learn from such experiences as all those will impact on your actions towards the positive changes required. You will then begin to tell just a story from one mile of the journey of your life and nothing more, simply accepting without condition and the more you accept, you become more accepting and forgiving to and of others.

No matter what your past experiences may be, you can live happier, without any grudge against yourself and anyone else by being in control of your actions and decisions and accept that your past had been the it was, simply because nature wanted it so. You have choices with your present moment and you can make the best use of the tools you now have.