10 Ways To Say NO

One of the reasons people get tied down to where they do not want to be, is because they have refused to say no to those circumstances that have continually tied them down. Whether it's a human factor or a  nagging situation, learning to say no at the right time, place  and in the right manner, gives you much more than feeling fulfilled, it also clears the path for you to live without blaming yourself or getting unnecessarily angry at yourself.

Your inability to say no will affect your productivity and efficiency, being the result of taking on too many commitments, and when you take on too many things at a time, performance or excellent performance becomes a problem. Do you have difficulty saying "no"? Are you always trying to be nice to others at your expense?

Well, you’re not alone. For some  reasons, many people have ditched the word 'no', to hurt themselves  while they please others. This is not to say that you shouldn't be nice to people, but do not be unfair to yourself while being nice to people.

Why you find it difficult to say "NO".

You don't want to hurt the other person’s feelings - Saying 'no', necessarily doesn't mean hurting other people's feelings. It all depends on how you say it and your intent for saying no. Although you necessarily do not have to justify your reason for saying 'no', it is a great Personal development practice to ensure it's best for you when you do so.

You don't want to  disappoint the person you’re saying 'no' to: We all get disappointed once in a while, and even nature as taught us to live by disappointments sometimes; when you can't help it, acknowledge it, and let the other person know, it's because you can't just fit it in. 

Willingness to help: Sometimes, we feel the urge to help, even if the weight pulls us down. Imagine a Camel on the Sahara, each time it takes on this particular luggage, it walks six steps and then it goes down, for three consecutive attempts it happened so, isn't time to take a break? That is exactly what happens to you when you aim to help out, even though you are not capable of helping out. Identify it, say it nicely and free your mind. If you go ahead, you may stop mid-way and that hurts more on  both sides.

You want to keep a long lasting relationship- If you must know, what keeps relationship, is being a true honest self, right from the outset. When  you continually please people for the wrong reasons, you will someday come to a point, where you can go no further and this is when you begin to disappoint people . You however have a duty to live up to it and take the step, knowing how to say no.

Don't want to  be rude: This is  just a 'mind -set', that when you say 'no', you are being rude . Saying  'no' does not necessarily mean being rude, rather the manner with which you say it, may be rude, and that is why you need to learn how to say 'no' nicely.

You want to be seen and called "Nice"- The only nice thing about being nice is feeling soulfully nice.

 To avoid  conflict: No matter how hard you try, some people just want you to accept whatever they want you to do and never seem to understand your  point of view. For this reason, or just because you assumed so, you feel jerky there  might be a conflict  if you reject him/her. What I will say is; try avoid any form of confrontation, try to say' no', as politely as you can, hold on to the fact that, it's simply because you can't afford to help the person, and sooner than later, you will feel the inner peace you deserve.

Over time,  I have come to  realize that  these reasons people fear to say no,  are basically, misconceptions. Saying “No” doesn’t mean all these things above, and do not necessarily  create a negative atmosphere. These are all false beliefs that have been built in the mind over time.

 10 Simple Ways To Say “No”

Rather than have it as a burden on you, just follow these simple ways to turn down things or situations you sincerely can't help.



1. "I Will not be able to this at this time."

2."No, I can’t."

3."This is not a really good time as I’m in the middle of something."

4."I will be privileged to assist once I complete this project".

5."No, not now,  you may get in touch later".

6. "I’d love to do this, but …"

7." I'm fully booked at the moment,  and will not be able to take up more responsibilities".

8."I’m not the best person to help on this."

9."How could you expect me to do a thing like that for you?"

10."I wish I could help..."

 Learning the art of saying no, may save more than the burden of getting overworked and having to live with limitless commitments.

The Benefits of coping with Adversity

..."My failing identity leaves me poorly

The absence of true life is sickly
Whether here or there I know not
Here is no longer where it ought
So hot hardly can bear
And no air; can I hear
In my silence I know solitude
For a dashed hope I take refuge
Such that my soul deserves not
...in my silence there is pain..."

                               Anthology of Poems. Mutiat Adebowale,2010.

The Human  structure is naturally inclined to put up with feelings such as Self-pity, self-rejection and pessimism, at the beat of the negatives that adversity tends to bring. For the fear of pain, torture and sufferings, people allow their minds to be evaded by twisting emotions they allow to rule them, rather than take full control of the situation.

Whether it's a chronic disease situation, family in disarray, financial calamity, life mess or career disappointments, there can always be a better way to view adversity, to effectively cope and manage the threats on your  happiness. You cannot eliminate adversity as, it is part of the challenges of nature, but you can train not to suffer from it.

When you look  beyond the negatives you feel towards a difficult situation, you will find that there is always an uplifting meaning you can attribute to it. All you need do is, switch angle, and view your situation from a different perspective. Adversities tend to come with specific lessons to be learnt and more often than not, they make you stronger if you allow a positive outlook to it. This is not to say there are no breaking points in life, but beyond this, is just a chance of rediscovery, if you do not give up hope, or give in to despair, worry and those other  emotions that creep in when challenges come.   When you fail to crumble, you can begin to feel the strength that lies within you, and communicate not with the pains of your body, but with the salvation in the power of your soul.

 When you positively appraise threatening events, you are more likely to adapt positively to the situation, creating positive changes in your personal and spiritual well being. Researchers have shown that finding benefits and reminding one's self of the benefits embedded in a rather difficult situation, can improve one's emotional well being, even at the most difficult of times.

 It is not surprising that during deep trials and challenges, relationships with family and friends become more strengthened, when you accept it, you will gain positive optimism,  patience, courage, resilience, tolerance and sometimes, a valued change in your life's  priorities. Adversities creates a whole new vision if your thoughts are properly channelled.

 The point is that, we generally have a  basic assumption of a "set-order" of life, which makes adversity become a shattering experience when it happens, because we have assumed we are invulnerable to harm and can set value to everyday event. In reality however, this is nothing but a personal theory that holds no ground. Knowing and accepting the realities of change helps you better accommodate the new  realities and build structures for your personal adaptation.


Managing Adversity

To effectively manage any crisis situation or any adversity, you need to acknowledge  it and accept it. Shying away from the challenges or not accepting it, will rather make it a bigger issue and extend the process and time to tackle it. Know that the powers to respond positively towards the adversity , eventually lies with you.

Be grateful for the other things that give you wholesome happiness, for in your gratitude, you will make a path for self-rediscovery, you will be able to look beyond your present situation and look ahead to the opportunities that lies beyond the present predicament. 

Reach for a higher state  of  superior self-awareness. Re-evaluate yourself. As earlier said, adversity helps you grow in mind and in soul, it makes you become resilient to events as they unfold and gives the opportunity for positive personality change, thereby helping you to practise and grow with a 'mind-set' you never once thought about.

Change your view point about it. Know that adversities are a part of life, and are mostly temporary as adversities if well handled. If it doesn't kill you, it helps you become stronger in life. Change your mental frame from seeing your situation as a problem to a prospect.

 By understanding that there also benefits in any situation you find yourself, no matter how difficult at first, you will be able to explore and understand the positives sides to your situation. You will also be able to put the new reality adversity brings, to a good use if you view it with an open mind.

Take action. Adversity demands you do something. You need to decide what steps you can almost immediately take to help yourself; no matter how little. Getting to do something no matter how small, is definitely more productive than doing nothing but wallowing in self-pity and complaining.

Develop new strategy, technique or a manner or get help from a professional therapist/practitioner, if need be. Help is always around the corner, but most of all, the greatest of help lies in your acceptance and within you.



We are all different, unique and special as individuals and have different approaches to things. You will be best suited to draw a plan of how you want to carry life. It is the responsibility of every individual to decide what they want and how they want it.  

 The way you manage adversity will define who you are and determine where you are heading; because that turn you call  'adversity' can be your opportunity for greatness.

Managing and controlling your anger effectively

Anger is a natural feeling, which every individual has the right to express, and that is why it is not totally condemnable. Anger is not necessarily bad for as long as it is expressed at the appropriate level, time, place and person. Uncontrollable anger is always negative, whether expressed or suppressed.   When you repress your anger, it affects just about everything; relationships, health, performance, ability to enjoy and appreciate good things, amongst other things.  Anger is a cover-up for other emotions such as fear, hurt and confusion. Sometimes, it may be expressed as a sign of insecurity or even self -loathe, without you knowing. For as long as you express your anger appropriately, when it serves a purpose, then, there shouldn't be any  problem. Anger  becomes a problem when it is delayed or repressed or when it is let out uncontrollably.

Some people believe that it's alright if they get angry, reckoning the emotion is necessary to their survival. It is never beneficial to allow your anger run your life. Some people believe anger is justifiable at some points and instances; but if you are able to justify your being angry, how will you justify your relapse? When you do not restrain  your anger, making it  become out of control, it makes you do irrational and hurtful things to yourself as well as whoever you are angry at. Anger causes emotional and even physical damage, and sometimes, it humiliates you.  It brings about regret, guilt and embarrassment for the things you have said and done. It creates strained relationships and discomfort. Worse still, uncontrolled  anger takes life.

It may not be extremely easy to maintain total peace when confronted with provoking or aggravating  situations, but it is good to know that whenever you  let loose your anger, you will be battered and hurt as much as the other person, if not more. Giving way for regular uncontrolled anger causes not only pain and disharmony, it suppresses  your spiritual  growth and disconnects you from your true essence, driving you away from your fundamental nature. It also gradually diminishes your self-esteem. Practising patience, self-restraint and learning to deal with your anger in a constructive way are the best tools for you.  Dealing with uncontrollable anger can take time, lots of deliberate  effort. Holding  yourself together in the middle of a confrontation that could make you lose your temper chaotically, could be really demanding, but you may begin by asking yourself these questions:

• Why am I getting upset at this?
• Do I really have a good reason to get upset at this?
• Is it beneficial to let go of my cool?
• Do I have any concern with something else, or is this just this issue?

Asking these questions will help  you understand your  feelings and your reasons for your actions  better.
 

Take a deep breath, fold your arms- do whatever it takes to buy time; try walking away in order to regain composure.

However, on a long term basis, you need to identify and come to terms with anger management as a problem for you. Think of all the damages and hurt anger has caused you in terms of your personal, health and work life and any other way you may think of. Once you realise how destructive your uncontrollable anger has been or could be, then you can begin to work towards putting it under control permanently.

 

How to control your anger

 

Approach anger constructively by trying to understand others, to see things from their perspective, accept and tolerate them. This will create the possibility to resolve the conflict amicably.

Engage in a discussion about what happened. Get someone else you can talk to about what's causing the anger. Share your experience. It helps you quell the heat every time you face a difficult situation.

Create an avenue for communication, whereby both parties can speak out about your feelings and concerns calmly without arguments and interruptions.

Do not be rigid. When it is appropriate, always seek resolution and compromise, rather than future discord.

Get creative-Learn to have fun and keep yourself busy doing something creative. E.g. sewing, knitting, singing, writing, music, arts/ crafts or any special skills or talents you have. It keeps your mind and thoughts positively in tune with  ideas and helps you release tension.

Practise patience- This may be difficult especially if you are entirely full of energy and naturally impatient. You may require some specials skills to practice this, but you can firstly, cultivate the habit of staying calm and learn not to talk back at people when confronted. Seek to explain your side clearly and constructively. Be willing to accept your mistakes and be a good listener, giving all parties, the opportunity to communicate and be listened to.

 

Release Your Physical Tension - Beat a cushion, throw punches at the sofa, do some exercise or bang a few well-built doors. Screw your face up several times in a mirror and then let the muscles relax. You can also growl, scream or shout in the mirror or at an empty room.

 

Encourage yourself with some Positive self-help statements, e.g. I can cope with this, I don't need to lose my temper for this, Calm down, take it easy, I won't take this personal,  it's not worth a fight etc.

 

Managing your anger is crucial to your total well being. Do something today.

Make your communication skills more effective

Communication is one of the most important tools with which we carry out our daily activities, it is a very useful ingredient in our bid to fulfil the essence of our livelihood.

Communication is the exchange of information between a sender and a receiver through a channel that must bear a communicative commonality between both parties. The communication process can only be complete if the receiver understands the sender, as this is the bedrock of any meaningful and effective communication. It is the chain of understanding that integrates all the parties involved in the communication process.

As important as communication is, in our personal and business lives, so also is the ability to ensure its effectiveness.

However, there are numerous problems that affect our communication, and hence, hinder it from being effective.

Simple issues that could be solved by being polite, analytical and constructive are being left to degenerate into conflict situations as parties refuse to reason along the path of what is being communicated.

 There is no doubt that up till this present day, the lack of honest and open communication is a common denominator in our dysfunctional families, societies and business relationships. This is because we continuously fail to communicate constructively, and in a straightforward way. There are marriages greatly suffering because partners cannot speak honestly and openly at issues affecting their marriage. We have seen marriages crumble because of couples’ inability to speak respectfully and constructively with each other, simply by failing to apply the basic communication requirements needed to promote tranquillity at home. Also, over 60% of work place problems are as a result of breakdown in communication between and among staff. This trend increasingly, implies that there is still the need to foster effective communication in all parts of our society.

  For communication to be effective and meaningful, you should always say what you mean the way you mean it and communicate your thoughts, feelings and opinions in a healthy and constructive way. The way you communicate is a manifestation of your wholeness as an individual and says a lot about you. If your communication skills fail to be adequately right, it snatches away the full benefit and potentials you can claim in both your social and spiritual world.

Sometimes, for the fear of unknown, or simply pulling back at something, you leave things unsaid, allowing them to fester within you, creating and deepening the roots of self- discomfort, dejection and perhaps hatred or other negative feelings towards yourself and the other person; invariably burying the cause for a great way to maintain good relationship both at home and at work; wherever it may have occurred,  because the other person, will not know what is in your mind and such habits breakdown relationships. Learning to improve your communication skills can have positive and permanent rewards for your business performances and personal relationships.

You should learn to be a better communicator, as this fosters and maintains good work environment and peaceful co-existence among people.   Language skills is though the primary form of communication, sometimes expressing our selves with other body languages may well be more adequate than just using words of mouth. These choices in ways of communicating makes it better to fully express your thoughts and feelings in different places, and different ways as suited by the situation. As much as you want to be a good communicator, so also should you learn to listen properly. We all know the hurt we feel when we realise that someone we are talking to is not listening, to us, but to gain such, attention, you should also exhibit interest in the other person’s feelings, thoughts and opinions. For any communication to be effective, listening is perhaps more important than talking, as the understanding that exists between both parties greatly, forms the bond.

Sometimes, being able to communicate effectively may require great practice, and a need to overcome your fear and self – consciousness. You may also need to actively learn to talk with other people, with the necessary communication skills. Skills to initiate conversation, keep it going and ending it appropriately may seem a bit difficult, but trying these tips will definitely simplify the process for you.

• Learn to communicate your thoughts, feelings and opinions   openly, honestly, and straightforwardly.

• Talking out of negative emotions such as anger, frustration, etc., is never beneficial as it rumples the communication process.
• When you have to give instructions or make numerous requests, do it sequentially, don’t muddle up things. Be logical, clear and direct when communicating and always complete your dialogues.
• Do not assume that your recipient knows what you intend to say.
• Understanding your communication skills and deficiencies help you structure your pattern and style of communication and ensures its effectiveness. Take time to study yourself and find ways to improve where necessary.
• Try to be flexible in your communication styles and approaches, by applying necessary and basic communication techniques at different times as you require.  
• You should exert some control over the flow of the communication. When you have difficulties in expressing yourself at any  given time, take a deep breath, get your points together, familiarise yourself with your message and see it flow within you as stress free as possible before voicing it out.
• Mind the tone of your verbal communication, as tones depict different meanings to what is said. Be sure of the impact you want your communication to have on your recipient in a bid to express yourself as intended and be understood in the same way.  
• Good listening makes communication more productive, particularly when we listen, to understand in an empathetic and non-judgemental way.
• Always communicate with the spirit of understanding, positivity and respect.

All these tips are useful to make communication processes more effective at work and at home.

As an individual, it is a personal responsibility to discover the power of your communicative potentials and of utmost importance to use it, positively to your advantage. The way you communicate tells other people how you perceive yourself and also influences how other people relate to you.

Ways to use music for effective self empowerment and actualisation

What is music to you? How does music affect you?

Generally, we may say music is an artful blend of sounds. It should also be harmonious, rhythmic and melodious.

However, to different people, music connotes different meanings and as such, it is responded to differently. Individual perception and responses to music greatly depends on taste, though, generally, music is perceived to be an exciting intake for human senses and well being, provided it is good music. What then constitutes good music?

You may like to consider what music has the ability to make you feel happy, sad, anxious, energetic, optimistic or depressed, so as to know how well to apply music to achieve positivity.  To add to the effect of music is the inserted lyric, which adds another dimension to it. If the words are uplifting you are more likely to feel encouraged about everything than listening to words that helps you go down in dejection.

Songs of hope, appreciation, songs strengthening your purpose in life and inspiring you  that you can make good of your life if you work hard and try;  and not sad songs that help you wallow more in  self-pity and  make you believe what’s lost is gone and there is no more hope for you, should you get attuned to .

Songs that will depress you further and render your energy and strength useless should generally be avoided for the sake of positive self-development. Only songs that will keep you going and help you look for ways to make the best out of life should be reckoned with. However, mindful and positive use of music can best be result oriented, because just like other intoxicants, so also can music intoxicate? Music should be listened to, proportionately, not allowing an overdose of it, and good music that will help you focus on positive trends are the best. Accurate appreciation and perception of music is a valuable skill you should aim to acquire.

Research has also shown music to play a significant part in the development of the synaptic connections in cell networks. This, in turn, has positive effects on children’s and adults’ learning abilities. A number of studies have shown the power of music as a plus to cognitive abilities like reasoning and motor skills. The ‘Mozart effect’ is just one example of the effect of music on intelligence.

Music is not just very powerful at affecting your mood state instantly; it overwhelms your entire make-up.
Once you are aware of how music affects you, this is your personal power, which you must use in choosing your kind of music, to attain what emotions you want to build up, e.g.  If you are feeling desperately tired, do certain tunes give you energy? What helps if you’re thinking gloomy?

For your own self-empowerment, music that inspires you to achieve positivity is just all you need.

Here are some of the other benefits of Music:

Music  enhances listening skills
It is a great tool for relaxation and helps reduce stress levels
Music prevents you from focusing on problems
It transforms negativity into positivity
It helps in developing one’s intelligence
It helps improve concentration and sometime allows for clearer thoughts

Consider how best music works for you and increase the benefits therein. It is one of the tools for greater self-actualisation which helps you take control of your life and working towards your goals and dreams. As you work more on your Self Development, adding music to your other tools,   will help you achieve more success.

Making the most of your precious time, is not just time management

Time is going, yet moves not

I race against time, still cannot catch.

Motionless as may be, its speed I dare not match

Time is going, yet moves not.

What is it about time that we often find ourselves struggling with it?  After all time is our opportunity. It is the privilege of the period we have to exist and do what we want to do. We are supposed to be in control of our time, though not in a way to be accurate about every detail of our everyday events, but definitely in some other ways. The fact that we can’t hold down time and make use of it as frivolously as we wished is absolutely what gave time the edge over us. No wonder there is so much about the ‘big thing’ TIME. Time is precious and time is the absolute factor we run our lives on. It is almost everything. A time to laugh and a time to cry, a time to be serious and a time to play, there is about time for everything. How conscious are you about the opportunity of the time you have?

Time management in the professional sense of it, is just but the process of exercising conscious control over your allocated work time in regards to specific activities, especially to increase efficiency or productivity. In situations like this, you talk about planning, allocating, setting goals, monitoring, organizing, scheduling, and prioritizing, all these are office jargon.

How do you utilize your everyday time? Is it possible to turn your time into such that will be remembered by you and others as beyond fulfilling?

How well do you seek to spend your time? Do you always look for time to chat away and get drenched in unending wrangling? Or is it work without limits?  There is no doubt times are stiff nowadays, but remember time will always throw back what you throw at it. If you believe in managing your time properly to accommodate responsible working, quality time with friends and family as well as other squares you have to attend then you can achieve it. Good management of time and resources help create a balance in an individual’s work, social and spiritual life, and striking this balance, is what tells how dignifying an individual is.  It is good to take advantage of the time we have to do what ought to be done. By this I mean don’t leave what you have to do today till tomorrow, because tomorrow may be too late. “Make hay while the sun shines”. Don’t postpone the start date of a project you were supposed to start today till tomorrow, because the opportunities present today, may not be available tomorrow. If you are planning to make some amends with an old friend, family members or other loved ones, do it now, the opportunity you have now may cease to be there later. Tell someone you love them, show appreciation to those who deserve it and begin to make your mark where you deem necessary, for times waits not, even though we are the ones running.

Make your time alive precious, beaming endlessly as a time to always celebrate.

Effects of Positive Parenting in child personality development

One sunny afternoon, as I laid by the riverbank, I watched as the sea rose and fell, the tide was enormous, and I couldn’t but sigh at the marvellous work of nature that was beginning to create lots of shades in my mind. The high tide was fearful though, its innocence still shimmered with the sprinkles running back, each time it bamboozled me. Just then two little boys of about four years old ran by, obviously playing together with the beach ball they had. As the tide rose higher, one of the mothers ran after the boys and shouted at her son that it was time for home. Passing by me, the mother scolded the poor lad questioning how he could have been playing with such a dirty lizard. “Why mummy, is he a lizard?” The little boy asked. “Shut up”, the mother shouted the boy down as they walked farther down and their voices vanished more.

I stood and wondered why the mum had referred to the other boy as a dirty lizard, didn’t really look dirty to me and obviously not a lizard. I felt a pinch, knowing she has just sent a negative signal to her son about playing with little kids like him and most critical the fact that such comments may begin to shape his personality and affect his emotional development in terms of relationship with other people, and attitudes, as he grows older, if she constantly does that. Being at the scene of the incident, I knew clearly that the mum used such words due to her personal perception of the other little boy, rating perhaps in terms of appearance, colour, class, or beauty but definitely not because the poor boy was evidently dirty.

It is easier to mould the mind of a child towards a particular manner than it is for adults. When a child begins to grow, he learns through everything he founds around him with greater influence on the habits and manners he picks from parents or guardians and such manners are displayed beyond the household. There is no doubt that parents are responsible for eighty per cent of what makes up the personality of a child and therefore it is expected that high quality upbringing should be ensured.

Children need to have a developing awareness of their needs as well as the views and feelings of others. They need to develop with a sense of respect for their cultures, beliefs and those of others as well as knowledge of agreed values and codes of conduct wherever they find themselves.

Children need to be taught, that in a classroom setting for example, they need to be able to work and play as part of a group, tolerating other people as well as sharing chores and toys harmoniously. However, this essential aspect of child’s development cannot be handled by teachers alone; they are part of the core basis of positive parenting.

As adults, we all know that a greater amount of what made us as individuals is the habits, manners, and personality traits we inherited from our childhood and that is why we have to go through rigorous schemes turning it round when we realise they are not the best for us.

When parents sow the seeds of hatred, intolerance, disrespect and all these other negative behavioural vices in their children for their self-comfort, it only does not affect the feelings and make-up of the child as he grows, it also deepens the wound of the society.

Child discipline is definitely of core importance, it simply should be done in a way that the child will begin to reason positively as to why he was meant to go through the process of disciplining with every necessary explanation given as a means to jointly work on the expected behaviour.

For a child to grow up with a huge degree of self-esteem, the child has to be nurtured by parents who themselves have great self-value.

Positive parenting eschews characteristics that promote low self-worth, lack of confidence, and prejudice. Bringing up a child, in a way that will afford him to have a positive mind-set to make good decisions is tough, but crucial. It comes with abundant rewards but most of all, it is dignifying to both child and parent as the child assumes adulthood.

Marriage tips to live with after your wedding day

Why choose wedding over marriage?

While some people go into marriage for all it takes, bearing in mind that it needs a lot of hard work, sacrifices and great values to make it work, other people simply welter in the glamour and grandness of the wedding. Marriage is a natural institute set up by the laws of nature, it is definitely wonderful no doubt, but a proper mind set, could be all that is required for a ‘happy married life’.

Over centuries ago, weddings have become as famous as the world we live in and increasingly it rose from ordinary family affairs to huge societal festivities. Because of the uniqueness of the day, it has been termed as a bride’s most glorious day in her lifetime. However beneath the underlining tones and embellishment of the day lies the realities of marriage. There are definitely no formal classes, courses or educational programmes that can teach the tenets and essentials of a successful marriage, what matters is the couple’s concern and consciousness to make the marriage real can never be underestimated. While a lot of people wallow in the fancy and glamour of their wedding day, they have simply forgotten to take notes of the rudiments of a workable married relationship. However true it is that there is no expert that can teach precisely how couples should live together amicably, there are still values every couple who believes in marriage should stick with.   

Purpose for marriage- There should be an ultimate purpose for marriage which generally should be the love that the couple share and hold for each other. As the realities of marriage unfolds, couples will realise that love is not enough to keep the happy times unending and so the essential values do need to get to work if marriages must last. Most of the time, when true lovers unfortunately break their marriage, it usually is because they ignored or failed to apply the essentials of marriage or did not foresee what their actions could cause which inevitably sows in them a pang of guilt.

Respect—Respect is definitely of core importance to couples as this constantly reminds you of what you mean to each other. No one likes to be treated like nobody, because that steals away any individual’s confidence and self-worth, but in a marriage all it takes is a really good talking about it. Sometimes, you make some mistakes without the intention to hurt your partners, but once pointed out, should be fine.  In particular, men like to be respected and to be in control. So, it’s important to let your husband think he is in control. We all know that the woman runs the show, but it’s good when you let the man think he does! It really works well.

Perseverance- The idea that everything is rosy and everyday will be full of great surprises and lovely treats is a fallacy. Some days will be great, a few others will be bad; depending on what you term good or bad. Whenever things are not exactly the way you would have loved it, still persevere, remember that it will always get better if you give it the chance and put in an effort.

Tolerance-For some reasons, some strange behaviour emerges after marriage that you find difficult to put up with. Always have it in mind, that as human beings, we sometimes fail to be consistent. You should have a heart to tolerate your spouse, talk about the need for change, act in a way to promote the desired change and accept it as some of the flaws of the human nature, after all no human being is unfailing.

Compromise-If you always want your life to go as planned or as you want it, you may have to rethink. Certain issues come up in marriage that will give you no better choice than to bend your rules, and most times this sort of rule bending don’t kill. They rather bring peace, progress, love and unity. Be gentle to each other and always resolve an issue between both of you as it happens, never let an argument carry on too long.

Communication- Why will any two people come together as one if they will merely speak to each other like strangers? Communication is a really effective tool at attaining most of life’s successes in all situations. When you speak about your deepest worries, problems, successes and hopes, you will further strengthen the bonds of the marriage that you built together.

Patience- Patience is one of the greatest virtues one can possess. The fact that couples need to exercise patience when dealing with most domestic problems and issues that arise cannot be over emphasized. When you frequently lose your patience over issues that could be resolved amicably in no time, you lose your value and debase your marriage thereby looking for an end to it. Patience is essential; it allows you to make up in real time and shuts out unnecessary anger, aggressiveness and bad temperaments.

Trust- Just as important as your everyday living together is, so also is the level of trust that must exist between the two of you. Where trust fails, there is nothing left. Learn to trust each other, believe in yourselves and always work together as a team.  

Try doing new things-Spice up your marriage by introducing new and adventurous activities that keeps it all fresh .Don’t be mundane. Take great nice walks together, feel the fresh air around you, explore some DIYs together, share and chat about what’s on in the news, have a nice day out, eat together at the table and talk. Always remain attractive and appealing to yourselves and try to do what you two love as a couple often. 

Be loving and forgiving helpful to each other. You need to grow in love emotionally, spiritually, and physically. 

Appreciate- When you give yourselves enough praise, making your spouse feel appreciated for all he/she does, you will spur yourselves into doing something better another time. Nothing should be made a challenge because you are not both running a race. Whatever you do should be for the benefit of both of you and the children if so be the case.

Don’t always believe you are right- Accept your mistakes and love to make amends. Even when you are right, accept some blames for the sake of love, that peace may reign. Know that one person has to give more than the other; don’t always expect a 50-50 situation all the time. It’s not possible and the earlier you accept that, the better for your marriage.

Marriage is a continuous working Centre. It needs to be constantly and gently nurtured. You can't become complacent nor can you accept anything but the best from yourself and from your spouse. It's a business forever-unfinished, requires you to keep working on it, going back to add details, make amends and corrections where necessary time and again. It's a team effort that requires the energies of both parties and if one isn't on board, it will gradually break down.

How to turn your past into a productive present

What is past and what is present? We obviously know that our past is gone and the events that formed the past can never be redone. The good, the bad, the beautiful or the ugly; they’ve already occurred; and all over now. What is important whenever we reminisce on our past is to make it as productive and relevant as possible to our present. While you cannot change what has transpired, you can change how you think about what happened.

Usually, when you think about the past and ever allow the positive events to dominate your thoughts, the tendencies are that; you will likely be grateful for those happy moments and probably imagine reliving it which may result in another emotion of self-pity knowing very well you cannot relive the past. In some cases, it helps you think of ways to improve your present so that the happiness continues. On the contrary, if ever your memory of the events you termed as negative needs to be revisited, unless you deal with the emotions associated with those events, you will continue to carry them with you into the present moment. To a large extent, if you failed to resolve issues of the past, the memories of such experiences become responsible for your spiritual and emotional bankruptcy when you become an adult. For instance if as a child, you were greatly abused, molested or had been harshly criticized and failed to deal with it earlier on, you are more likely to become very defensive and insecure in your adult life, which in essence becomes part of you and a way of life.

When you do not let go of tales of unhappiness, resentment, or rejection that filled your past you find it increasingly difficult to merge present activities to your dreams, sometimes the feelings you hold on to from your past experiences even deter you from aspiring as high as possible, having allowed those emotions of fear, revenge, guilt, blame or insecurity, to affect other areas of your life; which may include your relationships with people, attitudes, business and money matters.

Undoubtedly, many of us have events, situations or people in our histories, which still evoke some emotions in us, but there is always time to work on such emotions in order to move beyond it. Maybe you were abused as a child and still believe you can never live beyond the vestiges of that? Or you are finding it hard to forgive yourself for something you did years ago, and the guilt won’t just fade? There is nothing you can’t achieve if you believe and try. The mistakes of yesteryear, either by you or other people, that have deposited a great deal of negative feelings within your body and soul, could be transformed from a severe liability into a valuable asset.

While you could successfully do away with your feelings of anger, revenge, guilt, blame or fear, you simply didn’t because there is a reward from holding onto your pain.

You gain a lot from the thrill of the story. By having the story to tell, you derive some pleasure and get accepted by others. You create a stir and pacify your individual need for attention and the emotional energy associated with the event is refreshed every time you tell your story.

There is no harm in telling stories of your past but not in a way to allow you to whirl in your self-pity, or make others feel sorry for you because this simply puts you down and draw you back into unpleasant meditations. Why not choose to use your past as a resource for progress rather than a pool for pain?  Why not choose to use your past as a sort of benchmark, counting your blessings on how well you have transformed your past into an inspiration for others?  Many people are comfortable making themselves feel bad and do so at any opportunity.  No matter what acknowledgement and attention you receive from sinking yourself into the ludicrous slush of sad tales, it can’t be as gainful as directing all your energies to your present moment, striving with focus for a greater tomorrow.

Tips to help

Make amends where possible – If you need to make an apology for a past event and you really know it is possible for you to do so, then go ahead and free your mind, body and soul. Say sorry to whom you think deserves it. However, if you require an apology, don’t demand it except it is given voluntarily, don’t get stuck to the idea that you deserve an apology and not tendered. You often get disappointed expecting some people to do the right things. It keeps you stuck and away from achieving something greater. Take your mind off it and deem it inessential, because not until you cut that chain, you cannot move forward. The process of making amends continue as you constantly aim to improve on our attitudes, behaviours, and a change in our outlook of the past in ensuring that the grievous harm from the past is totally erased.

Remember the past without strong emotions –Learn not to revisit your past morbidly or needlessly. You should practice letting go of the feelings that bring back the hurt you knew before and always view your past from a perspective that will make it as harmless as possible to you. See your past as a depot of knowledge and information which can help you make connections to elevate your self-esteem, courage and confidence.

Forgive

Need for acceptance- You have to accept the past, appreciate the experiences and acknowledge the lessons you have been able to learn from such experiences as all those will impact on your actions towards the positive changes required. You will then begin to tell just a story from one mile of the journey of your life and nothing more, simply accepting without condition and the more you accept, you become more accepting and forgiving to and of others.

No matter what your past experiences may be, you can live happier, without any grudge against yourself and anyone else by being in control of your actions and decisions and accept that your past had been the it was, simply because nature wanted it so. You have choices with your present moment and you can make the best use of the tools you now have.